Hi
I loved you so much my heart exploded
Hello
my souls like butter in your hot little hands.
and I’m all over the place
and I’m a mess
And exploded parts are on the walls
And exposed parts lay calmly plastered to the ceiling
And the floor is a slippery mess of all that remains
But your poised and collected as you walk into the room and pour yourself a bowl of me.
Nana called today. Checking in quickly on my new life and her voice just wrapped me up in a comfortable feeling. I got off the phone and cried because I miss her so much, and I guess i miss everything comfortable. Life has been so busy and so upside down I haven’t even had a moment to process. And this place, even with all my stuff shoved in it…it feels like someone else’s. I have a feeling like I should leave and go home but there is no home to go to. Then in that moment in some dirty gas station parking lot with tears pouring out of my eyes like I had a duct tape mouth full of peppers I knew this feeling. I knew it to my bones. It was what made Nana feel like home, its the reason the smell of her bread feels like heaven would smell to me. All those years of moving when I was a kid, sleeping on blow up air mattresses and having cheap plastic furniture. Living in places for a few months at a time that never felt settled and Nana always called me to check on me once we got settled in. Nanas house for me when I was a kid was my only place that ever felt like home. It was a steady easy constant. It could be depended on to be there with the same heavy furniture and the smell of a gas stove. That clicking sound it would make before you light the pilot on a burner still evokes a feeling in me I can’t explain. Simple joy. Nana’s house is pretty much exactly the same today as it was when I was a child. In the silence of that house is the sound of peace and its the private song of my soul. It’s what I long for in the bottom of myself. A steady constant, peace and a home. No having to show up to school and be the new girl, no worrying about where to sit because you don’t know anyone, no awkward sideways glances. It’s been so long I guess I forgot that feeling but funny how it shows right back up in life. All that being said I’m happy to be out of my comfort zone. Nana said she would show me pictures of when they lived on the military base. She told me how she took a bus all the way from her home town in Texas to California to meet Grandy at the Air Force base. She said it was awful and laughed and it made me laugh too. She had never left home before that. So I imagine someday I laugh about today and I image someday soon it feels like home and in the mean time I imagine I might make a batch of bread and feel better about life in general and I guess this is me right now finding my place that feels like mine and that’s just fine with me.
So its been awhile but life gets heavy to lift sometimes and all the little stuff feels like big stuff and perspective flies out the window when the widows are down and your going 90 to nothing and back again. And then I remember to breath. I remember to open my eyes and see more than I am handed. Moving has been tedious to say the least and being here alone to do a lot of it wears me down, it seems overwhelming at times and leaves water dropping out the corner of my eyes when I’m not paying close attention. An empty house feels really lonely. And when I say empty I’m not being metaphorical I have a pallet on the floor a plate a spoon a cup and a few random articles of clothing. Thank goodness for my iPod and music or I might be swinging, just kidding. But really it’s depressing a bit and motivating talks to myself and a few well places prayers have been my salvation. Along with one very good best friend. So dear life log that’s where I’m at for the moment. I move Saturday to a new town, new job, new house and I’m sure ill be too overwhelmed to feel sorry for my fortunate self but for the moment let me have my lonely like a blanket and let me reflect and pull inside. Soon enough ill have no time for it again and every memory will be pushed to the corners with all the life I’m busy living. Today Ill visit yesterday because its a friend a rarely have time for.
If I had to wipe every bit of sunshine off my face.
I would gladly do it,
to give you some space,
to smile.
To pour into you what I have that stretches for miles.
To replace what you can’t even fit into vials.
_beth_
And you touch me from a thousand miles away,
And fill my veins with gold.
Make my hands heavy as stones.
No price is as good as riches stole,
No gift as good as a freely given soul.
And when my energy shouts into the blackness
No sound returned
I know you get what you earn.
In wealth or love or all the above
It’s not about the total, its about the sum.
Comfortable bore complacence, and
complacence never bore greatness.
~Beth~
Stress is reeking havoc on my immune system. Apparently getting married, moving, and changing jobs are three of the top five most stressful things on the stressful things list 🙂 The weird thing is my body knew I was under stress before I ever realized it. I’m pretty much a go with the flow happy kinda girl for the most part so I really didn’t understand that I was under stress until my body started reacting to it. I started literally getting sick. I had a fever blister break out on my lip and felt all together awful. Like this: we were driving in the car looking for houses and I could literally feel myself starting to get sick. Now Im usually the suck it up and stop your whining kinda girl but my body refused to listen to what my mind was telling it. 
Very frustrating! So I started reading about this stuff and stress is a killer and attacks your body and I am actively working on finding some relaxation time to stop this crazy cycle of getting sick and feeling bad. I took a bubble bath last night and I am making sure I am eating regularly and getting extra sleep. I am mad that somehow this snuck up on me and I got stressed out without realizing it. I read some jokes today and laughed because I’m pretty sure stress hates laughter so Im attacking it every chance I get. Yoga classes next week and plenty of fluids. Maybe some tea? I dont know. ANYONE GOT ANY TIPS ON HOW TO BEAT STRESS WHEN YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU HAD IT?? HELP!
I wish I could pry your mouth open with both my hands, around your slippery lips and sharp teeth, pulling till I made a little space. And then I’d drop it in, hold your mouth shut till you licked your nose and swallowed. I would watch your cheeks distort and roll into creases and lines as they pulled back stretching toward your ears. Your lips sliding glossy over your gums as the corners of your mouth reached towards heaven. Your round eyes would disappear into little slits of happy sunshine slices. The cervical vertebra slanted backwards with the spinal cords support sending synapses of sunshine straight to your epiphysis cerebri. I wish I could resonate in a tone that shook you with happiness. I wish I could push it on you or pry it into you. I wish I could wrap it up and give it to you and when your cold or lonely you could climb into it like a bright yellow cave. I wish I could shove it so far down your throat you’d never stop smiling but I can’t reach your mouth from way up here without falling. Maybe it’s worth climbing down to have a better look around your face.
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