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Nana called today. Checking in quickly on my new life and her voice just wrapped me up in a comfortable feeling. I got off the phone and cried because I miss her so much, and I guess i miss everything comfortable. Life has been so busy and so upside down I haven’t even had a moment to process. And this place, even with all my stuff shoved in it…it feels like someone else’s. I have a feeling like I should leave and go home but there is no home to go to. Then in that moment in some dirty gas station parking lot with tears pouring out of my eyes like I had a duct tape mouth full of peppers I knew this feeling. I knew it to my bones. It was what made Nana feel like home,its the reason the smell of her bread feels like heaven would smell to me. All those years of moving when I was a kid, sleeping on blow up air mattresses and having cheap plastic furniture. Living in places for a few months at a time that never felt settled and Nana always called me to check on me once we got settled in. Nanas house for me when i was a kid was my only place that ever felt like home. It was a steady easy constant. It could be depended on to be there with the same heavy furniture and the smell of a gas stove. That clicking sound it would make before you light the pilot on a burner still evokes a feeling in me I can’t explain. Simple joy. Nana’s house is pretty much exactly the same today as it was when I was a child. In the silence of that house is the sound of peace and its the private song of my soul. It’s what I long for in the bottom of myself. A steady constant, peace and a home. No having to show up to school and be the new girl, no worrying about where to sit because you don’t know anyone, no awkward sideways glances. It’s been so long I guess I forgot that feeling but funny how it shows right back up in life. All that being said I’m happy to be out of my comfort zone. Nana said she would show me pictures of when they lived on the military base. She told me how she took a bus all the way from her home town in Texas to California to meet Grandy at the Air Force base. She said it was awful and laughed and it made me laugh too. She had never left home before that. So I imagine someday I laugh about today and I image someday soon it feels like home and in the mean time I imagine I might make a batch of bread and feel better about life in general and I guess this is me right now finding my place that feels like mine and that’s just fine with me.
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About BethLanning

Im a scatterbrained dingbat but I have Ninja potential. This site is to catch all my scatterbrain in one place so it will be a pile of different things. The more I write the more I learn about the different piles of myself. I once thought it was all a ball of confusion and mess but I now see distinct areas taking shape. My Writing, Cooking and Food, Art, Poetry, Fitness Life, Projects, Learning to Organize, Personal Growth and its really a catch all and you never know what you'll get but isn't that just the way life is? See my other site for me and my husbands journey to build a Tiny hOme!

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