I’m closing a loose hand over a clinched fist
Trying to keep the pain at arms length.
Im hiding from you the best of the broke parts
All the fabulous gorilla glued fractures of my heart.
I’m sweeping big fat shards under super skinny rugs.
I’m swaying and dancing thru the side glances and shrugs
My processed head in the air
Twirling with a production of great care
No one knows about my vibrating underwear
Or that no sailor could match how I swear.
I’m a big fat, skinny, celebrity,
And anyone would trade places with me…
And jump off a building as quick as could be.
Before you go lusting after my life,
Know I’ll never get to be just a wife,
And that, I get to envy in you.
My chances at normal are little and few.
Remember to be thankful and let it shine thu,
Because the truth is I really wish I was you.
Tag Archives: life
This flesh makes me so selfish. I can feel it tugging and wanting it’s way. They say my only recourse is to pray. It’s always inching towards it’s doom holding hands with time and writing letters to the tomb but it won’t cease one second till it’s rotting and resting, Something always clicking turning and manifesting. I refresh, then I tire, flip over repeat. A big pile of mess squashed in flesh meat. I feel it tugging wanting it’s way.
And my fingers raddle dry like a crack fiend as I pull open the paper. And they are freezing, and blue as i rapidly move them to get at the little white pouch and I’m fumbling out of haste and a pain in my throat. I push through some work related incidentals with little strings holding my fragile nerves together, bobbing from the top of the cup, i huddle over the water cooler as the hot steam rolls over my cold and cracked knuckles gripping the mug. Patience now while I teeter brim full back into the office to a corner to warm myself while I wait. Wait, drumming fingers, rubbing the cup warming up the meaty parts of my palms, and wait…wait. Now. I pop the lid off and let the steam hit my cold face and bury my thoughts in the aromatic heat drift. Now. I lift it to my lips and the edge of the cup signals perfect temperatures. I lean back with a breath in and take a sip of my tea letting the warm liquid coat my mouth and throat like a hug. For a second the pain in my throat subsides while it gets rocked gently with earl grey herbs. I get three long sensual sips in with my eyes closed before I’m interrupted by incidentals with needs. People pressing at me and I know that was my moment for the day. Thank you earl grey tea for 29 seconds of relief see you tomorrow.
I loved you so much my heart exploded
my souls like butter in your hot little hands.
and I’m all over the place
and I’m a mess
And exploded parts are on the walls
And exposed parts lay calmly plastered to the ceiling
And the floor is a slippery mess of all that remains
But your poised and collected as you walk into the room and pour yourself a bowl of me.
So its been awhile but life gets heavy to lift sometimes and all the little stuff feels like big stuff and perspective flies out the window when the widows are down and your going 90 to nothing and back again. And then I remember to breath. I remember to open my eyes and see more than I am handed. Moving has been tedious to say the least and being here alone to do a lot of it wears me down, it seems overwhelming at times and leaves water dropping out the corner of my eyes when I’m not paying close attention. An empty house feels really lonely. And when I say empty I’m not being metaphorical I have a pallet on the floor a plate a spoon a cup and a few random articles of clothing. Thank goodness for my iPod and music or I might be swinging, just kidding. But really it’s depressing a bit and motivating talks to myself and a few well places prayers have been my salvation. Along with one very good best friend. So dear life log that’s where I’m at for the moment. I move Saturday to a new town, new job, new house and I’m sure ill be too overwhelmed to feel sorry for my fortunate self but for the moment let me have my lonely like a blanket and let me reflect and pull inside. Soon enough ill have no time for it again and every memory will be pushed to the corners with all the life I’m busy living. Today Ill visit yesterday because its a friend a rarely have time for.
So much life going on and today I need to use this WordPress for what I started it for. To get some of this stuff out of my head before it explodes. If you don’t care for long personal rambling feel free to exit stage left at this point. Moving, its stressful. I have too much crap and it makes you think. I long for something more simple. A home with electricity from the sun so I dont have to go pay a bill every month. A place where I can get my food and its not genetically modified or chemically treated. A job where I can do art and paint and listen to music, and while im sure none of this exits just around my future corner I long for it. A little simple peace where I don’t have to fear the government breathing down my neck and where sharing is a life style. Where i know all my neighbors names and trees and cows and smiles are all that separate us. If I had a million bazillion dollars this is still all I would want. I want to make art with my hands and dance to drums at twilight and while that makes me a dreamer in this current world I think Im going to go ahead and strive to have it. I know there is a better more pure way to do things. I know there is a invisible thread that God created where we are all weaved together with love and this world could work in perfect harmony if there weren’t a giant pair of scissors around every corner cutting at our connections. In science and nature and earth there is a vibration I wish we were all tuned finely enough to feel but we don’t because of all the static. I just know there is a better way and it doesn’t involve rent or mortgages or even internet…. oh my gosh yes i said it. Im frustrated at the way the world is and ultimately im probably just a little tired and worn out. I want to start a place on my blog for self sustained housing, gardening, art and cooking and then at the end of the day im worn out and all the hope and inspiration of wanting to change the world are no where to be found. So im a little bit venting and a little bit dreaming here on this page today. While I would have liked to go into all kinds of other stuff this is what my fingers picked to type. Forgive my scatter, I’ll pick it up another day and organize it and put it into mental files but today its sloppy and all over the place and muffin topped.