I’m tired, I’m really, really tired. I’m in upper management at a major shipping company and it’s Christmas. By the end of the day I’m exhausted. I get home and all the way home I think about getting in bed and just going to sleep for the night as soon as I hit the door. I’m really tired but I’m a mom and that’s not really an option. So, as soon as I hit the door there are immediate concerns that need to be addressed: There are cardboard castles that need to be built and imaginations that need to be watered and books to be read and food that needs to be fed to growing little bodies. So that nap, yep, it just keeps getting pushed back and by the time its time to put this little growing child of mine to bed I always think I’m ready and I’ll have some “me” time and then fall asleep or just fall asleep and make that my “me” time. But something weird always happens when I’m rocking him in my arms to sleep. It’s our little quiet time of the day. This full of energy, non-stop boy is still for a minute in my arms and we smile at each other and I rub his head and hair and when he’s finally drifting off my to sleep soul never screams YES, (like an hour ago I thought it would) it always whispers, “just a few more minutes.” This bitter sweet flood comes over me where I want a little more time. I hope he opens his eyes just one more time and smiles before I have to lay him down or pass out on top of him from exhaustion. Sometimes I’m so tired my eyes are rolling and sinking right along with his but, there is always that feeling. So many times in these quiet moments I think of my Nana and I hope its because she’s somehow surrounding us. Sometimes I think of the veins at the back of her legs and sometimes I think of her hands or her clavicle bones at the base of her neck. Sometimes I just try to remember her smell and her hugs and the type of hair spray she used but shes always in these sweetest stillest moments lately. Maybe I’m sleep deprived and half sick and delirious but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I would however trade it for a few more less tired moments exactly like these but that’s about it. Maybe its been so much like this the last two months because she always made Christmas time special and she’s in my mind always this time of year. I don’t know but for some reason it seems to make a special moment of the day even a little more special with thoughts of her after my son is pure passed out in my arms and I have to make myself lay him down when I really want to just sit in that chair and cuddle him all night. (run on sentence, I know, but lots of run on feelings in that sentence.) I don’t want to forget these moments. I’m tired so I might not remember my purse or keys in the morning but I don’t want to forget this. Moms all over the world are tired and lots are probably a lot more tired than me, so I count my blessings. I know no matter how tired we are its clinging to little moments that get us through. Moment present or past that make us better, that make us keep pushing. Clinging to moments of quiet or moments from years ago that are giving power to our everyday, the metaphorical coffee for tired moms everywhere, little moments that renew and refresh a tired body and spirit.
Merry Christmas just in case I don’t get back before then.