** This is written like my mind thinks. It’s not always perfect punctuation.**
I’m driving home form Walmart and my kids tired and cranky and has generally not been happy the entire time we were at Walmart. I missed a call as I was trying to force an unhappy toddler and all my groceries into my vehicle and a Topo Chico bottle rolled off the front seat and broke into a million pieces on the ground passenger side of my truck. Ughhhh I’m just ready to be home. My kids strapped in and I call my cousin back ==Backstory == M.’s B-day is next weekend and she’s coming and I’m excited because my kids turning one and I live away from family and I cherish every moment I get to spend with them, plus I really love my cousin and we have a blast together. So I call her back. Its hectic on the phone with her, it always is on her end because she lives around family, her kids are busy, everything is always moving and tonight is my other cousins Birthday, her sister. She’s telling me about the dinner they are going to and my heart is just longing to be there and then really quickly like she said she just cant come this weekend and she’s sorry – her sons in band competition, … of course she needs to be there. I’m totally like “its ok.” I’m thinking in my mind its OK, its totally ok but I literally feel every emotion of the past year slide all over me. I’m saying…I’m so ok with this. Of course its too far to expect her to come and I’m thinking …oh my gosh I gotta get off this phone I’m fixing to loose it. “ok goodbye” and. I. loose. it. Loose it completely. I start crying and feeling sorry for myself big time and I know its selfish and I really don’t care. My feelings are hurt and its not logical and I don’t care. I am talking my self through this thing out loud and I start bawling. Its not fair, I hate living away from family … I’m robbing my son of family experiences, his party is ruined, he’s going to grow up never really knowing his family and I’m really letting myself go on a pitty party at this point … its not fair to my son, its his first Birthday and no one is going to be there – I don’t have any friends with kids … I don’t have any friends at all, because I go to work at 4am and come home at 2pm and my husband goes straight to work and I take care of my son, cook, clean and then go to bed – no time to make friends. I’m really going off on this thing and I’m crying really hard at this point and ugly crying and I start making that crying noise when you can’t breath. Its awful and it’s a spectacle and I don’t care. I am having this moment and my life sucks and right now I’m the worst mom and wife and daughter and employee and all the sudden I here a belly laugh from my almost 1 year old in the back seat. Oh hello baby in the back seat, I remember you. He’s looking at me in the little back facing car mirror and he can see me in my rear view mirror and apparently he thinks these noises I’m making to catch my breath between sobs is me laughing. My twisted up face with mascara smeared from my lip to my hairline is apparently hilarious. He is belly laughing so big I see little tears running down his face and all six of his teeth. I feel like this gives me license to no longer hold it in and I really let go and start sobbing (as if I had really been holding back before or something). I mean my chest is heaving I can’t hardly see where I’m driving, the neck of my shirt is literally getting wet from tears running down my face and he is laughing even harder. The harder I cry the more he laughs and now he can’t hardly catch his breath either and we are quite a pair. I drive around the block to calm myself down and start talking to him and he’s got his giggle box turned on and he’s sill laughing but not quiet as hard and I’m still crying but not quite as hard. Hes throwing his legs up over his head and and laughing, at one point he puts his whole foot in his mouth. My child. I pulled into the drive way and took a second before I got out. I really wanted to call the whole party off I was so heartbroken. I look at him and he’s still smiling. He doesn’t have a clue. He’s not going to know his family isn’t there. He not going to know his mommy dosen’t have any friends, he’s not going to care that the party is at a park… cause we too dang Po’ to rent a venue. He not going to know his cake is home made and his decorations are hand me downs. Hes just going to see me and his dad and be happy. This is the best time because he doesn’t know he can feel all those things, his feelings aren’t getting hurt. He just knows joy when we have joy. He just knows wonder and excitement in every turn and the most curiosity in every unfolding little thing. That little hysterical moment was for me. Because my life isn’t how I would like it, but his life is perfect as far as he knows and its my job it make sure he doesn’t know any different for as long as I possibly can. So I’m sucking it up because I’m a mom, a good mom, and who cares if I turn 40 and not one person celebrates. (my Birthday is the same week) because honestly it doesn’t matter and me being all up in my feeling won’t change one thing except the perception my little boy has one life. Right now he gets to see the world as I portray it to him and that’s a gift and one thing I will not be portraying to him is sadness. So I’m sitting here at the end of this very long day tying to list my blessings. Praying for a little guidance and a lot of Joy.