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WHEN YOUR UGLY CRYING AND YOUR KID STARTS LAUGHING AT YOU… is this real life?

WHEN YOUR UGLY CRYING AND YOUR KID STARTS LAUGHING AT YOU… is this real life?

** This is written like my mind thinks.  It’s not always perfect punctuation.**

I’m driving home form Walmart and my kids tired and cranky and has generally not been happy the entire time we were at Walmart.  I missed a call as I was trying to force an unhappy toddler and all my groceries into my vehicle and a Topo Chico bottle rolled off the front seat and broke into a million pieces on the ground passenger side of my truck. Ughhhh I’m just ready to be home.  My kids strapped in and I call my cousin back  ==Backstory == M.’s B-day is next weekend and she’s coming and I’m excited because my kids turning one and I live away from family and I cherish every moment I get to spend with them, plus I really love my cousin and we have a blast together. So I call her back.  Its hectic on the phone with her, it always is on her end because she lives around family, her kids are busy, everything is always moving and tonight is my other cousins Birthday,  her sister.  She’s telling me about the dinner they are going to and my heart is just longing to be there and then really quickly like she said she just cant come this weekend and she’s sorry – her sons in band competition, … of course she needs to be there.  I’m totally like “its ok.”  I’m thinking in my mind its OK, its totally ok but I literally feel every emotion of the past year slide all over me.  I’m saying…I’m so ok with this. Of course its too far to expect her to come and I’m thinking …oh my gosh I gotta get off this phone I’m fixing to loose it.  “ok goodbye” and. I. loose. it.  Loose it completely. I start crying and feeling sorry for myself big time and I know its selfish and I really don’t care.  My feelings are hurt and its not logical and I don’t care. I am talking my self through this thing out loud and I start bawling. Its not fair, I hate living away from family … I’m robbing my son of family experiences, his party is ruined, he’s going to grow up never really knowing his family and I’m really letting myself go on a pitty party at this point … its not fair to my son, its his first Birthday and no one is going to be there  – I don’t have any friends with kids … I don’t have any friends at all, because I go to work at 4am and come home at 2pm and my husband goes straight to work and I take care of my son, cook, clean and then go to bed – no time to make friends.  I’m really going off on this thing and I’m crying really hard at this point and ugly crying and I start making that crying noise when you can’t breath. Its awful and it’s a spectacle and I don’t care. I am having this moment and my life sucks and right now I’m the worst mom and wife and daughter and employee and all the sudden I here a belly laugh from my almost 1 year old in the back seat.  Oh hello baby in the back seat, I remember you. He’s looking at me in the little back facing car mirror and he can see me in my rear view mirror and apparently he thinks these noises I’m making to catch my breath between sobs is me laughing.  My twisted up face with mascara smeared from my lip to my hairline is apparently hilarious. He is belly laughing so big I see little tears running down his face and all six of his teeth.  I feel like this gives me license to no longer hold it in and I really let go and start sobbing (as if I had really been holding back before or something).  I mean my chest is heaving I can’t hardly see where I’m driving, the neck of my shirt is literally getting wet from tears running down my face and he is laughing even harder.  The harder I cry the more he laughs and now he can’t hardly catch his breath either and we are quite a pair.  I drive around the block to calm myself down and start talking to him and he’s got his giggle box turned on and he’s sill laughing but not quiet as hard and I’m still crying but not quite as hard.  Hes throwing his legs up over his head and and laughing, at one point he puts his whole foot in his mouth.  My child. I pulled into the drive way and took a second before I got out.  I really wanted to call the whole party off I was so heartbroken. I look at him and he’s still smiling.  He doesn’t have a clue.  He’s not going to know his family isn’t there. He not going to know his mommy dosen’t have any friends, he’s not going to care that the party is at a park… cause we too dang Po’ to rent a venue. He not going to know his cake is home made and his decorations are hand me downs. Hes just going to see me and his dad and be happy.  This is the best time because he doesn’t know he can feel all those things, his feelings aren’t getting hurt. He just knows joy when we have joy.  He just knows wonder and excitement in every turn and the most curiosity in every unfolding little thing. That little hysterical moment was for me. Because my life isn’t how I would like it, but his life is perfect as far as he knows and its my job it make sure he doesn’t know any different for as long as I possibly can.  So I’m sucking it up because I’m a mom, a good mom, and who cares if I turn 40 and not one person celebrates. (my Birthday is the same week) because honestly it doesn’t matter and me being all up in my feeling won’t change one thing except the perception my little boy has one life. Right now he gets to see the world as I portray it to him and that’s a gift and one thing I will not be portraying to him is sadness. So I’m sitting here at the end of this very long day tying to list my blessings. Praying for a little guidance and a lot of Joy.

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Accountability Post – trying to work out with a one year old and a full time job. #reallife

Accountability post: today I had a plan. It was a good plan. I was mentally prepared and everything was ready for me to do my workout at lunch. Then 30 min before lunch my boss called a meeting that lasted 2 hours. My plan was shot. I was down about it but decided as soon as I walked in the door at home I was going to work out. I got home. My kid was tired my husband had to leave for work his diaper was full (not my husbands obviously my kids) and he needed a bottle and a nap. Again I was determined as soon as I got him down for his nap I would go do my work out. Well.. I fell asleep with him trying to get him to sleep. Because this momma goes to work at 4am and she was tired. I woke up discouraged and knew I just had one more shot at getting a workout in before starting supper feeding him and bathing him and getting in bed. I got 15 min done before my almost 1 year old demanded my attention. Two hours later after another bottle a bath and getting him in bed I finished my workout. Today didn’t go as planned and I would usually just say I’ll try again tomorrow but I pushed through it and I feel so much better. life right now……image1

I drew this after the workout.  My son literally sat on my head and pulled my hair and or banged me in the head with a block the majority of the workout.

 

STOP MAKING LIFE HARDER ON YOURSELF: a note to myself

Disclaimer:  run on sentences and strangely placed punctuation because there is a one year old running around the house and I don’t have time to proof read – sorry in advance. This is a note for me so it talks like my brain thinks…

I used to get up every morning and make coffee, froth my creamer and have my coffee just perfect before i ever started getting ready.  I don’t have an automatic coffee maker it a peculator, because I think it taste better,  i don’t just use creamer i like it frothed so it mixes together just perfect.  I buy my own bean I grind my own beans.  These things are important to me, i love a good cup of coffee.  I though, I just cant drink that stuff at work.  I thought i just cant do anything until I have my coffee.  I go to work at 4:30am. I don’t feel this way anymore. I have a one year old I cherish my sleep.  I need that extra 20 min that i used on coffee and guess what… I found out i can get dressed without a perfectly brewed cup of coffee in my hand, I’m actually totally capable of waiting 30 min and throwing on clothes with barely any make up and speeding to work to hurry and get a cup of Kurig Starbucks brewed pod coffee – yuck.  I lived.  I sleep 20 more min and I don’t have to clean a coffee pot except two days a week.  A lot of things in ,y life have gone this way since I became a mom.  Guess what, I think its better.  I was wasting so much time on so many little things I never felt caught up.  I still don’t but I let stuff that are time killers slide.  I use one pot to cook an entire meal because I’m too exhausted to cook a sink full of dishes.  This coffee story is to remind me when i get bogged down with a ton of little details to step back take a breath and just drink some Kurig coffee.  (I still hate the idea of it)  Milam’s one year old birthday is coming up and I feel my self getting bogged down, i want the perfect cake, perfect party location, popcorn machine, party tray. I step back.  I’m getting a sheet cake from a lady I know at work and a little small smash cake for M. It will probably be better than the 250.00 one we were looking at, when i say we I mean me, Nick never entertained the idea. I step back.  I wanted to have Milam’s Birthday at the Knock Knock children’s Museum in Baton Rouge – its fabulous the parties are fabulous and its $300.00 😦  We decided its too much for a one year old’s birthday party we don’t have that many people we know local and im not even sure how many kids are coming.  We are having it at the park down the road.  When I tell you this is the most perfect age park int he word it is just that.  Its in a quiet neighborhood and its small and its age appropriate for M. with artificial turf so his wobbly little walking and falling don is perfect there.  Its going to be perfect. I step back.  I have an popcorn maker from the 70’s my parents passed down to me.  Im not renting a machine I’m decorating the outside of the 70’s popcorn maker and popping my own popcorn.  Free.  I already have everything to do it.  Dollar Tree popcorn bags -$1.00 – way easier. I love details I love pretty things and love doing all those things but I get bogged down with them.  When I let them go I find more time for the things that matter – really matter – like dancing in the living room with my son.  Playing drums on the pots and pans and singing at the top of my lungs. This is it.  This is my reminder that I can still have my cup of coffe on the weekends and live my best life.  Love Me –

Lactation Cookies Recipe (that one on Pintrest that the lady took down but everyone wants)


I hate reading log post to get to recipes soooooo…..no long fancy stories.  I saved the recipe before she took it down.  Here it is. The cookies are delicious and work.  That’s the story, end of story.


 

Ingredients:

2 Tbsp. Flaxseed

4 Tbsps. Water

1 Cup butter softened (ya’ll that’s a lot of butter)

1 Cup White Sugar

1 Cup Brown Sugar

2 Large Eggs

1 tsp. Vanilla

2 Cups All Purpose Flour

1 tsp. Baking Soda

1 tsp. Salt

2 to 6 Tbsp. Brewers Yeast (active ingredient the more the better, I used about 3 Tbsp.)

3 Cup Quick Oats

1 Cup Chocolate Chips

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees
  2. Mix together the flaxseed and water and let sit for 5 min.
  3. Meanwhile, Cream together the butter and sugars.
  4. Add eggs one at a time and mix well
  5. Add flaxseed and vanilla
  6. In a medium bowl, combine flour together, baking soda, salt, Brewers Yeast, and oats.
  7. Add butter mixture 1/2 cup at a time
  8. Once the dough is mixed together well, add chocolate chips.
  9. Bake 9-11 min.

 

 

 

 

Family Tree for future reference

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This is my paternal Grandmothers family tree.  This is written about her Mother, my great grandmother Zula.

Target Sell: Panties – 7 for $24

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Put your big girl panties on!  At 20 weeks pregnant I figured it was time for some new panties.  Now I’m a die hard fan of Victoria Secret silk panties but this new body is calling for a little more.  I went to Target planning on getting a pair of basic cotton panties and found a pleasant surprise of a sell. Its a good one so catch it while you can.  My favorite part is they have tons of different styles to choose from… g-string to granny panties.  Why in the world does buying 7 new pairs of panties make me feel like I finally got this pregnancy thing together.  Rolling my eyes.

Here are the Details.

Target

Beth

My Banana – 20 Weeks Pregnant

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June 1st and I’m 20 weeks.  Everyone is asking for baby bump pictures and I realize I haven’t taken any.  Quite honestly I have just felt fat.  I know its supposed to be magical but its been me being sick and not fitting into anything.  Its getting better though because I’m feeling the baby move more, the last three days he has been very active.  I’m picking up this blog post like it hasn’t been forever since I wrote because I don’t have time to explain to you what you already know.  Life gets out of control and busy. I am somewhat paranoid about gaining too much weight and not being able to loose it when I should be worried with stuff like the baby room and what am I going to freaking do about my job?!! So I indulge myself a little and slap myself back to reality other days.  Here is something I have found has helped as I have increased in size and my belly starts to grow – KT tape.  I’ll upload a picture to show how I have used it to support my belly when it feels heavy. I have also started using it up higher where my stomach muscles come together because of my growing fear of Diastasis Recti.  At 20 weeks my uterus is just reaching for my belly button but when I eat too much it feels like the possibility of my muscles just splitting right up the middle is totally a reality – Kind of like a banana peel splits apart when peeled.  NOT COOL. OK so less about me and more about my banana boy this week.  He’s been knocking around inside me a lot more lately.  Usually I am feeling him from 10am to noon and then again in the afternoon when I lay down around 9 or 10 pm.  So I’ll try to keep little updates going and I’m stepping outside my comfort zone and posting a baby bump picture that is not so great because everyone says someday you will wish you had lots of pictures. I guess I’ll start at the half way point and try and mark my progress. Its hard to not want to Photoshop the crap out of this picture and make myself look thinner and prettier but here ya go….

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