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All these little things – Chaos. Fight it!!

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I feel attacked at times. Life is messy and hard and depressing and overwhelming and there are all these people out there holding it together and making it look easy and you sometime feel like your the only one giving it all you got and getting nowhere.  Overwhelmed is a word I already used but it fits perfectly.  Smothered by cares.  I have been in over my head lately feeling like im only getting little gasps of air from time to time.  So I needed to focus.  Turn my mind off and get some peace.  Its not that easy.  You have to know what brings you peace or strength or breathing time.  For me its spending quality time with God and writing emotions out to get all the scatter out of my head.  For you maybe its a bubble bath or Yoga or a good book, I don’t know its different for everyone.  The thing about life getting crazy is it doesn’t allow us time for these things that keep us centered.  I have noticed I have cut back on my journal writing and prayer and bible time and it has taken a toll on my emotions.  I’ll be honest and say that I have been a nervous wreck, total basket case lately.  To make it worst some people haven’t even come to a place where they are aware enough to realize that this process needs to happen when chaos ensues.  These are usually the people that hurt others or themselves when life gets overwhelming for them.  (been there, done that, not judging, just saying) I’m not ok with not feeling amazing and Im gogin to lean into all this mess until I push through it.  I’ll push back as hard as it pushes me and I’ll end up on the other side with a smile.  Its hard to take this approach, its not what I want to do.  I’ll be honest again I want to curl up and sleep forever or drink a bottle of something and pass out but oh, you wake up and things are worst than before so I’m not letting that be an option and it feels horrible and feeds awful.  Wanna know what feels the best? Fighting like crap! Getting up and fighting like crap against feeling bad getting up and making yourself take a shower and go for a run. I mean leaning into all that uncomfortable mess and getting it all over you.  The best way to get over it is to push your way right through it.  Get messy and be imperfect and don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks. Get up and Push! Make yourself uncomfortable because nobody ever got to be great by making their selves comfortable.  If its messy be happy and find joy because you can grow from it.  If its messy then be excited because God usually has to change things to make great things happen.  This will not be your first instinct, it will not be how you first see things, it will not even be easy to keep this attitude once you know this but I guarantee if you do it amazing things will happen.  We were not made to live but to live abundantly with joy and happiness. If that is not what your are living take a long hard look at life and lean into the chaos!

~Beth~

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Teaching a heart to pronounce the word goodbye

If you start shaking
And you feel me screaming
And you feel tearing and ripping
It’s just my heart hugging yours goodbye
If you wanna hold your breath and kick and scream and die
It’s just my soul kissing yours goodbye
And I don’t want to stutter stammer or cry but I probably will a thousand times.
I don’t want to trip and fall and make a mess
but I already see my chalk outline and bloody steps.
And I’m not cool, calm or collected
Im needles ripping through flesh.
I’m yanking out invisible cords that make me sick and ache
And honestly at times this emptying is more than I can take.
So if you start shaking
And you feel me screaming
This is just me teaching my heart to pronounce the word goodbye.

365 days – day 22 & 23

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